I like a Look of Agony, because I know it's True

my whole life, is like a picture of a snowy day...

it's tradition...i don't know where, but i'm assuming polish...to place three things in front of a baby on their first birthday. money, a rosary, and bread. its self explanatory as to what they represent...as in money=life of prosperity, bread=life of health, and rosary=life of holiness....

anyways...apparently i picked up money. a life of prosperity and success. yay for me...i was a smart infant...even it was all nonsense.

it's something i'd like to do with my kid one day though. stupid meaningless traditions are alright....it's the traditions that represent what isn't good anymore, the parts of culture that should have been eradicated long ago. things that lead to unhealthy behaviors but are still followed out of blind obedience for the generation before us. families are shams. it's as simple as remembering the things you grew up with as good, and when those things are gone, bad things apparently happen. this simply isn't true.

people believe i am apathetic. most of these people are idiots, so i don't really take their word for it. i truly do consider myself an apathetic about some things though, the things that i don't need to worry about, the things that aren't worthy of my concern. during my meeting with my teachers and counselors i had to think of a college....my 'dream college'...the college i've wanted to go to my whole life. i was wondering why no one had told me that i was supposed to have a dream college, but whatever. so, not only am i supposed to be agnozing every second about my 'dream college', but that fictional college where all my dreams are going to come true is also supposed to be in indiana. apparently most scholarships have borders and anything outside of indiana would be unorthodox.

this is where i decided to break my silence. people ask me about college all the time, i usually replied with what they wanted to hear....IU bloomington, purdue....whoever wants me...but i want to go somewhere where i will benefit from the most from the education offered. this was my number one concern when i actually did look at colleges. apathy always took over during this process...whats the point of looking at a school's programs when i'm not even going to be able to afford it?

people care too much about the unimportant things...what may be important to you, may not be important to me. breaking the silence and declaring that i was going to georgia shook some serious ground. though i don't like to admit it, south bend is small. the farthest most student  end up is down sample to iusb. georgia seemed asanine to them, but i didn't care what they thought. their job is to help me dammit, not to judge me.

no wonder i turned out so apathetic about the things that most people care about. every important decision is judged so heavily by every person i answer to....christ....

this has come in handy though.....i prove to be a good liar and i'm capable of getting myself out of sticky situations...but sometimes i wonder at what expense. saying what people want to hear has helped me out when it comes to making up stories about my dreams and ambitions and my future in general. i was never serious about my future until now though.

oh well, it's not like i have to keep up this bit for much longer. sometimes i wonder if the rest of the world is this judgemental. i need to find this out, i need to monitor how much i'm lying...which things i say people respond to the most. the world will decide how much longer i have to do this.

i wasn't home this past weekend, and by monday night i still didn't want to go home. i went to my aunt's house on saturday morning and stayed with my cousin all day. i went out with chavez and danni on friday and realized i haven't seen either two in a very long time. danni took off with idiot-boyfriend and i dropped chavez off and headed to my cousins house. i stayed the night there so she would be able to just wake up and mess with my hair for sunday. I went shopping with danni on saturday and the oddest thing happened...

i had met danni at the mall and we shopped for a few hours. her and mom had to leave after we had spent too much money, so i decided to stay and hang out by myself for a while. i was walking by this group of people, some were from school that i sort of knew, a boy i didn't know separated from the group, came up to me, linked his arm around mine and dragged me into the victoria's secret. how......random? when they talk about being wisked away by a knight in shining armor, i didn't think the place the knight and his damsel were supposed to end up was a victoria's secret.....but whatever.

maybe it was because my hair looked really, really awesome that day. maybe it was that i looked familiar, even though the boy had graduated from washinton last year, i had never seen him before, but his name was matt.i also met his friend jordan, who was a senior at st. joe.

regardless, i wasn't interested. guy with low standards when it comes to girls don't appeal to me. only guys with high standards of girls can fit my high standards. er.....yea.

we had a short conversation where matt asked me if i wanted to drink. i said no. he asked me if i was doing anything that night. i said i wasn't doing anything. he asked if i wanted to hang out with them. i said no....

at least these two brilliant male specimens of society could take a hint and left me alone.

i drove back to my aunt's and spent the night with my cousin. sunday night was my school's midwinter formal. i spent all of sunday getting ready at my aunt's. some lessons i learned: hot rollers are the root of all evil, scrawny white boys can't dance,  my hair was not meant to be curled, and old ladies crying is really sad.

anyway, sunday was a fun night, i had a great time, i danced the night away...etc, etc. we went to nick's patio afterwards and got to my friends house around 3. we watched a movie and fell asleep around 5. monday afternoon we went to jimmy john's and starbucks for lunch, she had to visit her grandma so i decided to go to my aunt's again and get everything i forgot over there. i ended up stayed for a few hours and finally went home around 9.

quite an eventful weekend.

my busia's came over to my aunt's house to see me before i went to the dance...i came out of the bathroom after they had waited forever for me because my cousin was curling my hair, and when i finally stepped out of the bathroom, all beautiful and perfect, they started crying....apparently i looked a lot like my mom....

yea....they would. my grandma took some valium and busia hugged me for five hours. i left soon afterwards.

anyways....pictures later

odd days. my body isn't satisfied when life has a routine. it prefers to try new things, and to do whatever is most convenient..most of the time.

i had a meeting today with my counselor and all 6 of my teachers on monday. it was supposed to be a 'conference' to plan for my future. I have to say, the university of georgia is looking more and more real every second. i think i'll apply early, i have no desire to go anywhere else.

they asked me to apply to notre dame. i told them my logic behind not doing so....which turned out to be not very logical at all. 'i don't want to go to college in indiana, let alone south bend. and if i apply to notre dame and i'm accepted, i have to go. there is no way you can turn down an opportunity like that...no matter what the cost. even if the cost is extraordinarily steep. no, no, no, not applying. my brother graduates from bsu this year, we'll be enough debt from that. did i mention that i can't stay in south bend?'

yea, it's not very logical at all. but at least i'm staying true to what i really want. they told me that you have to continue working hard for opportunities, and after a while you'll catch your break. i'd consider my break being leaving here, uga, rarely coming back because i'll probably be broke most of the time, and staying with my aunt in atlanta.

even better, i got my replacement phone yesterday. there were a lot voice messages from various people, but mostly danni and cj. one of them was danni telling me that if i'm going to the university of ga that i better not go without her. i've thought about this for a while and every step i've included her in my plans in living down there. it would make everything twice as good. no south bend, no family (save aunt), and danni.

jumping to the present, our midwinter is on sunday. obvious flirting is going on between me and a friend of mine who i was to apprehensive to ask, so i asked a more distant friend of mine to go with me....because guys don't ask girls out anymore apparently(i'm angry about this)....i regret my decision to ask twin boy first, but at least i'm going with people who i know i'll have a good time with. i'll dance with my lover boy though....like dirty dancing. can't wait till sunday, more later.

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

i spent some time at borders earlier today. a small section caught my eye, no larger than one book shelf, it was titled 'death'. i wandered to the small selection of books about death. it was right next to the 'self-help' section. my expections of what i was about to exbound upon weren't exactly spectacular.

in a sub-category titled 'parent loss', i read the summarizations of some books that were about dealing with the death of a parent. most were about adults that had endured the loss of their elderly parents. i rolled my eyes at most of what i found. corny stories written by wannabe psychologists about people they interviewed. people who 'felt' the exact 'moment' when their dad had died, even though they were in another country or something...

i picked up a book titled 'motherless daughters'. something that applies to me, with no exception. still, i hadn't much hope for this book either...i figured it would depict death inaccurately, as a quick process that was like ripping off a bandaid.

i opened it to first page and read a letter that had been written to the author...

"Dear Hope,

I am sitting here alone on Mother's Day. I am 23 years old. My mother died almost ten years ago-i was 13.
There is an emptiness inside of me-a void that will never be filled. No one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love as pure, unconditional, and strong as a mother's love. And I will never be loved that way again.
I feel as though my development as a woman was irreversibly damaged or altered. I've always (since then) had male friends. I feel I can only relate to males and I think I'm a very masculine woman-not my overt appearance-but I never learned how to socialize, how to engage in meaningless chit-chat, how to talk on the phone for hours. And now, as men do, I 'look down' on that type of behavior.
And there are all of the selfish reasons I miss my mother: I will have no one to help me plan my wedding (I don't even know where to begin, I'll have to find a book about it), no one to stay with me after my first child is born. The list goes on and on.
There's nothing I want more in the world than to have children, but I don't know if it would be fair to her if I had a daughter. There are so many things about being a woman, a daughter, and a mother that I don't know and can't see any way for me to learn. Plus, I feel like I'll probably die when I'm 39 and leave my children to suffer the pain and confusion that I have."

around 'a void that will never be filled', i started crying. i hadn't cried over the loss of my mom in...a long time. i remembered how i wouldn't admit to her death as the 23rd of february, but the 20th of february, when she had been taken to the hospital. when i stayed up all night in the waiting room, watching family members come and go, watching my bewildered dad stare off into space. no doubt reliving the moments that had just happened, which i was already trying desperately to forget.

extraordinarily long story put short, i bought the book...maybe i should put in here that my mom died suddenly a week after i turned 15...

Now that i'm approaching 17, i realize how much i have in common with many 'motherless daughters'. i always thought that it was just me. that it was growing up a tomboy and an unnoticed relative of my family that i turned out somewhat of an oddball...with practically all my friends being guys, the appearance of being tough or not sensitive or unemotional, how i bargained myself in place of my mom to god, ashamed when i felt the pity of others, ashamed to even admit the fact of my mother's death...the longing to get married and have kids, along with the fear that trumps that desire. the fear of never finding someone who can deal with my withdrawn emotional behavior, the fear of dying young...

i know i'm going to die young, and i refuse to have kids because of it. i can't risk doing that to my own children. no one should have to go through the loss of something that's supposed to be immortal, that's supposed to always be there...no matter what age you are.

i can't seem to find any sort of validation for my loss. odd trips to the cemetery by myself. i feel apart and alone. a darker and less fortunate image of myself. still a child in an empty house with comfort found only in the words that appear in front of her eyes...like the shame and fear of confessing a mortal sin, i confess all of this. guilt that i confess it, guilt that i never speak of it.

admitting to this turns me back helpless little girl kneeling in front of the cold grass of my aunt's headstone. having no idea the feelings that death brings, having no idea where my mom was. she had gone off looking for other relatives in the vast cemetery, but i still felt her with me as i walked back to the car.

i've been running all this time, thinking that i've run straight through the greiving process that the nun handed me a pamphlet of in the ER waiting room. i feel as though i've come so far, but it's all stayed with me. a deep cut that's been dressed, but when you unravel the bandage, the would is still gaping and bleeds as profusely as before...

damn. congratulations if you've made it this far. this is my first mention of my mom's death though, so i apologize for the ridiculous length.

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

along with all my music, my pictures have also all been deleted. i discovered this as i decided to change my blog pic and look for an updated one as a brunette...i need to find my digital camera.

i'm getting more annoyed than i usually am about certain things. i wanted to see hostel tonight. i asked a friend of mine if he wanted to go and see it....as i was looking at the review of the movie i slowly started to change my mind, my friend said 'great, i hear the movie has boobs in it...'

so, nevermind. i said sorry and that i had just stepped on some glass and have to go now. all my tolerance for this kind of thing has really gone. guys i really like and are my good friends are doing this all the time. it didn't really bother me before because i did the same thing most of the time. i can't tolerate this kind of thing anymore, the ratio to how often you see naked men to naked women is obviously tilted far in one direction, and i can only make obscene comments so often.

fuck, this is really bothering me. it's more than bothering me, it's making me completely uncomfortable...to be around my own friends. sometimes they remind me of this boy i knew last year...which actually leads to a funny almost date-rape story....but that's for later. this idiot would never shutup about women. it became excruciating to just be around him for me.

i don't believe in imaginary lines that people aren't supposed to cross. but personally, this has turned into an intolerable issue for me, and i get the feeling that this line has been crossed indefinitely.
the problem is that none of the few friends who've i expressed my feelings to will take the issue seriously. once i tell one person something, they tell someone else and it just starts this whole fiesta of rumors and bullshit that leads to me loosing my friends...

such a stupid issue too....i would've of never thought that something so simple would be so difficult for some people to control. it seriously upsets me.

i was watching oprah earlier today and the cast of the movie 'crash' was on.....they got on the conversation of whether a white man or a black man was more likely to rape a woman. apparently 97% of women raped are raped by white men. go figure.....

it's funny how i've almost never been sexually assaulted or harassed on this side of town...at least by a black or mexican guy, which is what this side of town predominately is...the nd motherfuckers and the penn assholes have all taken care of that task.
the black guy in the ghetto will not rape you, the white guy in the pink abercrombie shirt with his collar popped will rape you.

every move i make

thinking ahead is very important....i can't quite put enough emphasis on how important it is....
i was talking with my brother yesterday, he said some things that i thought not even he noticed. he told me he wished people understood me better, my mentality, my abstract behavior. i'm not used to hearing those kind of things. i'm used to just being....weird. it gets old very fast. weird is too open-ended. weird aggravates me.

i'm used to throwing clues out to people and letting them figure me out. those who figure it out, i keep close. it's also those who care enough to listen...i guess. i get thrown off when i encounter people who already know me too well. i don't have much to say, or a motive to accomplish when i meet someone in this case. its something that proves to make life more difficult for me. it's a puzzle piece that i'm not sure how to fit into my picture.

after all....being a girl, i'm very into alterior motives. thinking ahead is important when you decide to engage in your own silly antics..

i was watching dr. phil the other day. i woke up and it was on, mkay? he had on a father and his 16 year old son who did dangerous stunts with his car or something....dr phil was saying something about how sixteen year olds had no clue how to calculate the consequences of their actions. i'll admit that i don't give second thoughts into the consequences of what i say or do most of the time. the people that i care about know that i care about them, and they have priority over all. this causes much conflict though...family is supposed to be the most important thing right now. that's just not working out though. i'm tired of the fakeness and the predictability of them all.

a friend of my brothers helped me reformat the computer a few days ago and it turns out it deleted my account for livejournal as well as a lot of other things....this saddens me.

i've been seeing a lot of reports on sudan and ethopia....a long time ago i wrote an entry titled 'africa is fucked up' or something like that. i remember mostly talking about rwanda...it was probably the first time i had learned about rwanda.

the reason i enjoy learning about genocide is that i guess it's like putting together a puzzle. each event is like a story. most of the time i learn about the actual atrocity, then the outcome, and then have to go back to the beginning. there typically was no beginning though. the beginning could consist of up to hundreds of years of history...that always takes a while. i become easily absorbed in history though...which i suppose composes the other half of why i'm obsessed with genocide and war crimes and the things that make the world wonderful....

i recently read some stuff about slobodan milosevic and his role in the ethnic cleansing of kosovo albanians, non-serbians living in croatia, and bosnia in the 1990's. also known as 'the butcher of the balkans'....hm

"In 2001, he was remaindered to the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague, along with various members of the Serbian military and political leadership, where his trial is ongoing. Testimony at the trial hasn't cleared up the question of just how much responsibility Milosevic carries for the atrocities perpetrated during his watch, but it's estimated to be somewhere between "a lot" and "a whole fucking lot."

such extensive histories and cultures lie behind these nations cut up by culture and pride. solutions to these kinds of problems doesn't always have to be ethnic cleansing....not to mention people can at least try and be creative with genocide. why not kill everyone who is intelligent? easier to control the nation your ruling. why not kill everyone who is an idiot? easier for a country to advance, but intellectuals typically don't go down without a good fight. yea, these solutions also have many problems...but the world can't even seem to get off the idea killing someone because of nationality, or skin color, or religion. which isn't even as good as the ideas i just mentioned...

maybe it's why i look at the cambodian genocide so much. aside from the fact that it was the first one i learned about, it was the only one of the 21st century where the khmer rouge killed any and all educated people. it was necessary for the plan of making cambodia an agrarian republic.

one thing i didn't understand at first was why the kr decided to kill the culture of their people. it's more convenient to cut off family relations and to control reproduction rates when relying on slave labor...religion was eradicated, which killed the bulk of tradition...not to mention culture was a constant reminder of cambodia's long history. dating back to the 11th century when angkor wat was constructed...still the largest temple dedicated to a religion in the world...is all just something that a new nation detatching itself from the old ways would not want.

before and after that, it has been the same thing....killing in an efficient manner, people that all have something in common: the shitty luck of living in an unstable country ruled by radical megalomaniacs, aristocrats with a grudge, militant dictators, rebel armies...basically men without a conscience.

people constantly preach to me how i need to keep my priorities straight. it's getting to be annoying. i know i'm starting to do things in accordance with what i see fit, instead of continuing to let others control me. i found out something though...i like not being in control. i'd rather not put in the effort it takes to keep control of most things...this doesn't make me a bad person...maybe lazy...but not bad. it goes hand in hand with what's rooted in my mind, and shows in my behaviors...if you're observant enough to notice that is....things that do make me a bad person though....i won't disagree with my answer of humility...but i'm not nearly(nor do i have to be aware of it) as shame. SHAME. *sigh*

well, obvious to me. things are beginning to look up after this first horrendous week of break. some things are still worrying me though...people are starting to worry me...which feels odd. i'm used to worrying about only what people have told me to worry about...like school or my future....which was evasive, which annoyed me to no extent, which explains why i'm so pissed off at the world in general, which also explains why i complain about people so much... anyway. i'm starting to seriously worry about people. good friends of mine, i fear, are in trouble and to help them is going to take a lot of time...though it's troublesome, i still prefer this concern over artificial worry...

anyway, back to my new project...which is actually an old project that got put on hold. there these twins that i'm fond of that i go to school with. they're one of the few intellectual people still at school that i enjoy having conversations with...which is a rather unrealized astounding feat of theirs...a big problem lies in the middle of this friendship though. there family is apart of this neo-christian sect claiming to be 'non-demonational'....but looks to me like a mix of methodism and the ever-annoying baptist religions...the twin i'm better friends with is more liberal and loves math, biology, and chemistry...which is ironic considering how into his religion he is...
regardless. i'd like to ...convert him....so to speak.
at first i was too open with my views concerning controversial issues...abortion, christianity, etc...which got their parents not liking me at all, and scared off the conservative twin. the potential my liberal twin has is enormous though...and it would prove to be extraordinarily useful if i can mold him into something where he will be able to reach his full potential.

i'm so lame. i'm trying so hard to find something to do at last moment for new years. damn. i'm so lame. without my cell phone i'm really lost...of course writing down the numbers for people in case my phone dies or something would have been the smart thing to do..but i guess i must've not found the thought worthy of doing..

i am not an intitiator. i seriously lack initiative in general. it's because it's like a sub category of motivation...sort of. i don't like talking to people too much. i don't base my popularity on how many people are on my buddy list, but more of how many people will im before i im them. sort of pathetic. but i don't like having to im people. i don't like calling people. i don't like the fact that i might care more than the other person. i don't want to appear foolish in that aspect...instead i do something dumber and take to the opposite side of this retarded idea. i keep in my comfort zone, and wait forever for other people to advance in my direction. waiting....forever....i lack the people who show they care, or maybe they suck at showing that they care, much like i do. i think i suck tremendously at showing that i care...ironic.

i'm tired of waiting for people. lately i've been trying to put my best foot forward and move into another's territory. so far so good....i've landed myself a good guy and date...but the fact that i had to ask him will never stop annoying me....after all, as i said to him

'despite myself, i'm actually a traditional kind of person....'

weak. what a confusing opening line...i'm not supposed to be the one worrying about this kind of thing...annoying...

it's pretty ironic in my mind. it's probably just me though.

things i think are so simple, but other people can't figure them out. which makes me think...it's probably me that's the problem...that sucks at proper communication...that has a stupid sense of humor...but you see, in the end i always end up thinking the same thing

'silly me to think that people cared...'

always burned in some way or another. nothing's perfect anyhow.

i was organizing my music earlier today when i found something in my documents that my mom wrote. it was when my aunt carol decided to reconvert back to catholicism a few years ago. she had yet to get an annulment after a divorce with her first husband, which i think contributes to why she had decided to convert entirely when she remarried a methodist. anyway...my aunt asked my mom to write this for her annulment thing...though i hate to dwell on the topic of my family, besides...i think it's appropriate for this time of year....

A.Family Background
I have very limited knowledge of Mike's family background. I only know that he has one older sister and that his mother was married several times. His mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer when Carol and Mike began dating. She married her 4th husband shortly before Carol and Mike were married. She died within a year after their divorce in 1989. Mike was estranged from his biological father at an early age and was raised by his stepfather and mother. His biological father died shortly after their marriage in August of 1985.

Carol (and my) parents were hard working people who knew little about raising emotionally healthy children. They were too concerned about money problems and fought constantly in front of their children. (Mostly about money). Our father worked two jobs for 15 years and was seldom at home. He didn’t believe in being an equal partner with my mother when it came to childcare and housework, even after my mother went to work full-time in 1967.
Our father was raised by an emotionally abusively, overbearing man who treated his wife like a slave and his children like chattel. My father tried (I think) to be a better father than his father, but he did not have the parenting skills to help him accomplish this. He was rejected by the Army during WWII because of a nervous condition and poor eyesight. He did not have the strength to leave his abysmal home life.
My father was born in 1928 after a shotgun wedding. His mother was 15 years old. She had ten children after him with the youngest born when my father was 22 years old. My father’s siblings were of constant emotional turmoil to my grandmother and my dad. Since the youngest was born shortly before my parents began dating, I can remember how they caused problems for my father and his mom. My grandfather was such an emotionally detached person, that my father became a surrogate father of sorts to his younger siblings. As a child, I always felt that my dad’s nuclear family (his parents and siblings) demanded more of his attention than his own family (his wife and children).
My mother is the 8th child out of ten. Her mother had a set of twins after she was born. She never got the love, support or approval from her parents who were uneducated Polish/Russian immigrants. My mom’s older brother died in WWII when she was 12 and her mother went into a deep depression for seven years. Back then, depression was largely left untreated and my mother never recovered from the trauma of living with a mentally ill parent.
So, my sister Carol, the 5th of six children, had emotionally absent parents who had unpleasant childhoods that left them unprepared to deal with their large family. I was told by one of our childhood neighbors at a class reunion that he was amazed that all of us six kids made it out of our home alive.
My parents were not alcoholics, but my father was a heavy social drinker. He believes to this day that any and all social functions should have some form of alcohol served. Before my mom learned how to drive in 1967, I remember her calling my dad’s favorite tavern on Friday nights to ask him when he was coming home. This was another source of many arguments between my parents, especially during the holidays.
I believe this tumultuous relationship between my parents created a “we vs. them” camaraderie between us kids. We are all close. Up until eight years ago, we all lived in South Bend. My youngest sister died in 1989, Carol moved to Atlanta in 1994 and the oldest sister moved to Fort Worth in 2000. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have them all so close by until they moved away. I think it was difficult for Carol to move to Atlanta, but I think she has done a great job adjusting. She has come to appreciate the benefits of living in a large city versus a small city like South Bend.
DIVORCES: Carol was the first person in our immediate family to get divorced. My sister Becky is going through a divorce at the present time. In my dad’s family, all of his siblings are divorced. (One brother died as a single person at 19 years of age.) One sister was divorced twice.
In my mother’s family, one brother is divorced. One brother was living as a divorced person. He and his wife lived separately and had other partners. (He didn’t want a divorce because he would have to quit the church choir.)
Academically, Carol was an average student. She attended Indiana University at South Bend after high school, but quit after her freshman year. She didn’t finish college until after her first daughter was born. She has been a stay-at-home mom/student since her oldest daughter, Olivia, was born in 1994.

despite my recent punishment, i'm here in the library at school....bored as hell. my english class is supposed to be doing research for our papers....whatever.
i wish things weren't so easy sometimes. my dad said that i like to take advantage of people...which i rephrased as taking advantage of opportunities. he doesn't like that i'm sneaky...truth be told...neither do i. there are very few people who i can trust now...i despise having to live like this....
i once thought that sometimes i just make things difficult for myself of purpose...that i could be careful, but it wouldn't be as much fun...such a bad habit.
oh well....some new things i've heard about concerning school....apparently students of public schools next year will be required to wear uniforms....i hope that goes through. i'm a fan of obedience and discipline after all....and at least it will give me more codes to find loopholes in and exploit...

i needed this week off...i would've skipped it if i hadn't missed so much school before this...i'd like to spend christmas with danni and cj. apparently they're having christmas dinner on sunday evening. i hope i can escape my family to join them....the trouble would be worth it...and that's all that really matters...whether it's worth it.

regardless...i have to start evaluating my views. life is becoming too ambiguous for my tastes...i should be transitioning into a phase in my life where my goals won't conflict with who i am. which, despite what people are telling me, is more important that anything else at the moment. school is at it's closing point for the moment...my mind has shut down for the week...and i refuse to do any more than asked of me, as i typically tend to do....because this only leads to more strain and exhaustion than i prefer to have to handle....

winter, the bane of my existence....so, i suppose i shouldn't fight it any longer. my list of priorities shift....
priority one....find a date to midwinter. though i've stopped going to the meetings and have probably been kicked off the committee, i'm still obligated to go....namely because of parties that will remain unknown...
priority two....preparing for the long haul that will bring me to summer....basically, tanning....start running again...probably play with my hair some more...sigh

it's not my fault. i've been brainwashed, i'll admit it...i might as well give into what i have been told. again, how much does it take for me to be hypocrite? apparently money and boys....hm, and with that last statement, i must say...
i am at last a woman, the transformation is complete.

i got into some big trouble at school. luckily, i made sure i had a friend to fall back on. my friends ended up being the ones who ratted...saying that they always saw me in the library during homeroom. long story shot, i'm banned from school computers until further notice. my friend and i had a good plan, but he was caught by a teacher after we had accomplished everything and were planning on the 'mass production phase'. he was going to take the blame until my friends ratted me out....oh well. i suppose these things happen. my teachers were informed, which wasn't the best....considering some of them are my friends. administration is dimwitted anyway, so even if our plan failed...which it did...there was nothing to fear but empty threats....it still bothers me that something so simple fucked everything up.

whatever. i'm just glad today is through.

of course throughout this entry...i realize that i use the term 'friends' loosely.......typical.
it's also apparently like....3 degrees outside. i don't remember this happening in the winter. i can't even recall snow happening very much in past years.

my day wasn't too good...i planned on doing some things that i need to do...for myself...but i chickened out in the end. fear is prominent. it all annoys me.

When driving on the bypass coming home from long trips, the ethanol plant was always a sign that home was just around the corner. when i was driving home on the empty roads that don't help in making the city seem any less dead, i was driving over the jasinski overpass and i saw the lights of the ethanol plant. from this side of town....i guess it's something that is visible from all angle's of the west end...it means that i am home...when i was little i used to think that it was a rocket ship that was eventually going to blast off into space, and i worried how i would find something to new to symbolize coming home...

then, while speeding down sample, i realized i always sped on sample...as if cops had better things to do, more important things to do than catch people speeding in the area....

i heard sirens coming home too. something that scares me enough to....
i wish i had more strength....it's not even as though most of these things occured in my childhood...it was just a few years ago actually....waking up to sirens, or screaming, and all i could do was pray that i was dreaming...
of course...i was never dreaming. incidents that, when i realized i was wide awake, would immediatly bring a feeling of surrealism....maybe, even though i'm not dreaming, that...maybe this wasn't real. hopefully.

anyway.....i'm tired, somewhat sore. thank god for that. 'a look of agony' is something i haven't felt....in some time...pain is usually a void that i try to fill in what ways that i manufacure....most people don't enjoy taking the responsibility for pain, but i love one who tries.

i was driving home again today...and the sun was setting behind the trees as i drove over the jasinski overpass...i saw the smoke from the ethanol plant. i suppose it's most things that wait for me that are over the bridge that i plan on forgetting....we only remember the good.

i had also planned on staying out of trouble....which i do very well now....sort of. i can play the game...and i can go along with what people want, at the same time i play my game too...which is what keeps others believing that i'm....a good kid.

i hate the sound of it....'a good kid'.....but, whatever...if that's what keeps me in the clear, then i'll twist it to do so...

i had to do something today to make up for the nothing i did last weekend. naturally, i call danni. she calls cj to our officially assemble our trio and begin to think of ways to reak havoc in the city. so we go to lulu's cafe....i seriously worry about danni....and i've been seriously meaning to talk to her about some things. but...rare are the occasions when i'm able to see just her when she's without her boyfriend....sigh

i'll leave it at that.

so me and cj end the night by meeting with an old friend of his that i used to go to school with. little shane, who i haven't seen since my freshman year...how time flies....how much i had changed....how tired of everything we all were....as a collective group.

we spoke of leaving this state....going far off away from this manufactured life. the biggest problem....belonging in a category where most of society lies....the middle class....the class where colleges won't give you money to help out because according to them,...your family makes enough to send you there without help....unless i raise my scores, i can kiss going to school out of state goodbye...we all talked about our fantasy school and our dreams...and then, where we're all probably going to end up. i'm not quite sure where i'll end up though...i'm hellbent on making out of this state. i have the connections...and according to the world; it's not what you know, it's who you know.

so....now to get to business....there's one week left of school. school....where people are totally clueless as to what i really am and have no social life outside of the washington idiom....it's why i hate it there. it was outside of this bubble that i learned i could be different and accepted...maybe even appreciated...but at the end of the day, i always have to come back to this drab...normal...dark state of living around such brainwashed people....

anway....psat scores today....not as good i thought i got...even considering the state of mind i was in when i took the damn thing....the only thing stopping me from national merit scholar bullshit (which = money for college) is my damn psat score....what bullshit. i nailed the sat's....why should psat's matter??.....

fucking people. my life would run a lot more smoothly if idiots weren't in control....i figured something was wrong with world when i noticed authority figures getting dumber and dumber as i got older.

o well.

today, i decided i should be who i am. time to get out the red sharpie marker and find what i'm looking for.

i sat in my car and read the two chapters of the scarlet letter i was supposed of read yesterday. i haven't been the biggest fan of the book...but i read a part in chapter 13...one of those excerpts where nathaniel hawthorne is sort of narrating or whatever...like giving the reader some insight on human nature and applying it to hester.

"such is frequently the fate, and such the stern development, of the feminine character and person, when the woman has encountered, and lived through, an experience of peculiar severity. If she be all tenderness, she will die. If she survive, the tenderness will either be crushed out of her, or - and the outward semblance is the same - crushed so deeply into her heart that it can never show itself more. the latter is perhaps the truest theory. she who has once been woman, and ceased to be so, might at any moment become a woman again, if there were only the magic touch to effect the transfiguration. We shall see whether hester prynne were ever afterwards so touched, and transfigured."

i haven't been able to relate to hester's character at all...the character i feel that i understand the most is that of her hellion child. so the novel hasn't been my greatest interest....especially among everything i have to do.

and with one profound statement, the novel has suddenly become blog-worthy...this entire 'theory'...just explains many things about myself. like things i haven't been able to reach or discover on my own. i have something to relate to hester now i suppose...
when we began reading the book in my english class, i thought about what letter i'd have to sew....probably the alpahabet....A for avarice, B for betrayal, C for cynicism....i'd get to X and be like 'ha...i haven't done anything wrong that begins with 'x'..... and god would smack me upside my head and call me a xenogomizer......which doesn't make any sense....
..............but god is a sadistic freak like that.

moving on.....i have to write a paper arguing that emily dickinson suffered from a psychological disorder....or something....i guess.
  i feel motivated yet still but still apathetic. disregarding emotions of urgency because all my shit is due tomorrow....and some other stuff....
at least nathaniel hawthorne has given me good reason to feel the way i do.
our teacher  thought the statement was biased and sexist because of the time period this was written in...sigh....maybe it is. maybe it is just an exploit that's set out to give another reason as to why women are the weaker sex...or something. .
if agreeing with the excerpt makes me a weak person....then so be it. i will happily admit to myself that i'm weak, pathetic, and deserve everything that has happened and will happen to me...

because...what else can i do? asking that question alone makes me even weaker....